Hello there. This is an attempt to make myself personally accountable for my life and actions. Inspired by one of the most kind hearted and beautiful women I know, how can I cheat myself when potentially hundreds (okay, that's a bit lofty) of people reading my blogs. But before I begin, maybe I should focus this blog a bit.

This is how I see myself. I'm am first and foremost a woman, a proud woman at that. Probably too proud for my own good, which is where a multitude of my problems come from. Secondly, I'm a wife, daughter, and sister. I love my husband and respect my mother and I am absolutely crazy about my younger brother and sisters. Thirdly, I'm a chemist. Well, not really a chemist yet, but in grad school to eventually be recognized as being a chemist. Finally, after all that being said, I'm a morbidly obese individual with a severe addiction problem. It was two weeks ago that I recognized in myself a sever and utter desperation. A need to reevaluate my life and why I am where I am. So I started going to therapy, a substance abuse specialist, and a dietician, and I'm currently taking it one day at a time.

However, most people don't see me the same way I see myself. As opposed to seeing woman, wife/daughter/sister, chemist, they see a fat, loud, woman. It was just today that I met my husband after work for sushi. We were sitting there, minding our own buisness, when the rather pushy and older Japanese waitress offered me a second seat. Confused (I don't know why I was confused, I should have well known what she was referring to), I asked her what that was for. She scooted the seat next to me to my left and she indicated that I could sit on both to make myself, "More comfortable." Had we not been the only two people in the restaurant, I would have walked out. I was mortified. Most people might not be aware as to how astutely aware of my size I am, but I am. Truth be told, I wouldn't be the size I am without a little bit of denial, but I'm working on that.

So where does all this come from? Quite simply, I have daddy issues. Severe daddy issues. I could write thousands of blogs about how my dad has made me feel incapable or undeserving for my entire existence, but that doesn't matter. I'm going to therapy to learn how to stop blaming myself for HIS issues, and how to move out of the past and start living in the present. My father left me with a hole. A giant hole in my emotional psyche that I try to fill with food, alcohol, bitterness, anger, and everything else I can get my hands on.

My weight issues is not one of aesthetics it is one of life and death. If I do not lost weight I will die, most definitely within the next five years, ten if I'm lucky, and that's best case scenario. Worse case scenario is developing diabetes, losing my eye sight or several limbs, or my poor circulation causing a blood clot that leaves me a glorified vegetable (with a worthless collection of three chemistry degrees). But before I can address my weight issue, I absolutely must address my drinking problem.

If this were left up to me, I'd simply drink and eat myself to my death. it seems a lot easier and a helluva lot less daunting than undoing what I've been doing for the last six years. But I realize that's grossly selfish. My mother would be devastated. My youngest sister has enough to worry about in terms of the shit hole my father has left for her to deal with, than to worry about her oldest sister dying of alcoholism. And the idea of leaving my husband with a multitude of hospital bills or a comatose wife is just simply not an option. But it would be so much easier just to not deal with it. To roll over, bottle in hand, and let the numbness encapsulate me. That's what I've been doing my entire life. How is one supposed to reevaluate their entire existence and start from scratch? That is such a grossly scary thing to me, especially since my pride has permitted me from admitting my problem earlier and doing something about it before things got too out of hand.

So, that's that for now. I'm sufficiently depressed and more weary about this whole thing than I was previously, but my therapist recommended an outlet, so I suppose this be it. Advice, encouragement, kind words, or suggestions are appreciated. Love to all.